Hating It
by Dee Lee
Summary: After finding out about Kate using him, Sawyer feels like his heart has been ripped in two. Angsty Skate ficlet. Oneshot.


Hating It

Summary: After finding out about Kate using him, Sawyer feels like his heart has been ripped in two. Angsty Skate ficlet. Oneshot. Set after 3x17.

Disclaimer: Well, if I owned Lost, do you think I'd be writing a STORY about it?

Author's Note: I've been noticing that Jate fics have been outnumbering Skate lately, so I just had to write one. LOL. I know, I don't actually finish any of my stories, but I promise I'll rewrite Beautiful Work of Art. And finish it. Heh. It's been a while since I've written a fanfic too, so give me a break. :) And review :D This is just a short angsty ficlet.

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"_So why'd you jump me last night?" He had asked her, fairly seriously._

_Kate slowly looked up from the mixed tape he had given her, her smile fading. She looked directly into his eyes and saw an almost sadness that made her look away._

"_What?" She played dumb. _

"_Was it 'cause you saw the Doc hanging out with Juliet?"_

_She was caught, red-handed. But although that was the element of truth, it wasn't the whole truth. _

"_It's not like that," she replied strongly._

"_It's not, huh? You ain't got to use me, Freckles. All you need to do is ask."_

_And with that he walked away from her, leaving regret on her face that he never saw. _

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As he walked away, he didn't turn back. She knew him better than anyone else on this island. She could tell how he was feeling and what he was thinking about. She could read him, just like he could read her. He just hoped that last night he could have stopped her. He saw her tear stained face and was surprised at how exceedingly forward she was being. That was why he couldn't bare her to see his face. On the outside he was trying to be strong, but inside he was falling apart. It felt as though his heart were sinking, and wished that at any second now, he would drop dead. She would have been able to see that in him if he stayed there a moment longer.

He was 35-years old and he had _never _fallen in love before. Never. Girls… no, cons, had come close. But none of them had ever made James Ford feel this way before.

The moment that Jack had told him that… well, Sawyer just knew Kate too well and guessed that she had gotten jealous of the Doc and Juliet. He had thought… no, hoped that somewhere in her heart she would love him. But no, she was still head over heels for Jack. The fucking hero. And what was he?! The consolation prize? The friend with benefits? Second best? Without her, he would still be the outcast. But he was mad. He was angry. He was pissed at Jack, but he knew that Jack had not done anything wrong except be fucking perfect.

He thought that the hug had meant more than that she was his friend. Hell, he thought that when she had sex with him the first time, it meant that they were more than just friends. That hug had meant so much to him, and had she felt the same? At all? She didn't have to have sex with him. But she did. She thought he was going to die, and wanted to give him something before he did. And it was clear to him at least that she thought she had chosen the wrong person.

And even yesterday afternoon, when he walked in on her getting dressed. She didn't warn him, or tell him to turn around. In Sawyer's experience that was a girl asking to flirt with her and fulfill her needs. Then again, he _had_ seen her naked.

He had never felt so used in his life. _Is this what it feels like?_ He thought. _Getting your heart broken. _He wondered briefly if any of the women he conned would have felt that way. What about Cassidy? He had barely even given her any thought on the island. And she had his kid. Was she in love with him? Women had slept with him many, many times before just for sex, not a relationship. And he hadn't minded. In fact, he accepted it gladly. Women had even slept with him for revenge on their husbands or boyfriends, and he hadn't minded.

But now… Kate, the woman he loved had done just that. Used him for pity, revenge sex… and it was the worst feeling in the world. Worse than being shot, or thinking he was going to die. Sawyer would have preferred death: a quick way to ease him from this prolonged feeling of pain and suffering.

He roughly pushed apart the tarps and entered his tent, breathing heavily. He snatched his book off his chair and threw it hard onto the ground in rage, sand flying up from the ground at the intensity of the throw. He sank down on the ground with his back leaning on the chair, his feet passing under the tarp and into the sand.

He put his head in between his hands and groaned inwardly.

He felt like crying, but he knew he wouldn't. Sawyer never felt like crying. Crying was a sign of weakness, and Sawyer didn't want to show anyone that he was weak, especially not her. He hadn't cried in years. He felt almost scared of this emotion. He had never felt so many things at the one time. Love, rage, sadness, betrayal… and he had no idea what to do about it. Besides any one of the survivors could see him right now, and he didn't want to be crying or looking in the remotest sad. One of those Dharma Beers would be good right now…

How could he look at her in the same way? The reality of the fact that she didn't love him at all crashed down upon him like a wave. One of those waves that take you underwater and you feel like you can't get back up.

He hated it. He hated himself. He hated Jack. He hated the fact that Kate didn't return the feelings he held for her.

And he hated that even when she came to him that night, he would give in and let her take him over just like the previous night. He hated that he loved her and he could do nothing about it.

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A/N: Bleeeh. Did you like it? Was it crap? Review and tell me. :)


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